Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Dark Days - (or where the hell I have been)

Or should that be 'the hell I have been through/going through'??

My old nemesis has reappeared. The Black Dog is back. I fought a battle with this monster some years ago and it nearly cost me my life. I had hoped never to cross paths with this beast again, but alas, he has found me and I find myself going through the same torment as before. For those who are not familiar with the term 'The Black Dog', it refers to depression. I have suffered through it in the past and was foolish enough to believe that I had beaten it. I now believe that it is like alcoholism and never truly is beaten, only contained until the next crisis brings it to the surface again.

I should have recognised the signs. Perhaps I chose to ignore them, denying that I was once again slipping into the abyss. Either way, I am here and I know it is a long way back to the light again. The dark days are here, and all I want to do is hide in the darkness and hope that the world forgets who I am and leaves me alone. Thoughts of death and self harm abound and it is all I can do to stop myself from acting on the impulses I feel. For the time being I still feel it is possible to survive this, and hopefully with medication and counselling I will be able to beat this again. I know it won't be easy, and that is what scares me.

I feel so alone, and once again I face the Dark Days ahead as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.