Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Dark Days - (or where the hell I have been)

Or should that be 'the hell I have been through/going through'??

My old nemesis has reappeared. The Black Dog is back. I fought a battle with this monster some years ago and it nearly cost me my life. I had hoped never to cross paths with this beast again, but alas, he has found me and I find myself going through the same torment as before. For those who are not familiar with the term 'The Black Dog', it refers to depression. I have suffered through it in the past and was foolish enough to believe that I had beaten it. I now believe that it is like alcoholism and never truly is beaten, only contained until the next crisis brings it to the surface again.

I should have recognised the signs. Perhaps I chose to ignore them, denying that I was once again slipping into the abyss. Either way, I am here and I know it is a long way back to the light again. The dark days are here, and all I want to do is hide in the darkness and hope that the world forgets who I am and leaves me alone. Thoughts of death and self harm abound and it is all I can do to stop myself from acting on the impulses I feel. For the time being I still feel it is possible to survive this, and hopefully with medication and counselling I will be able to beat this again. I know it won't be easy, and that is what scares me.

I feel so alone, and once again I face the Dark Days ahead as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.


Dana said...

Unfortunately, I know The Black Dog all too well.

You've been thought of - more than you likely imagined. Hard to believe, isn't it? You are one of those bloggers who remains in my reader months after your last post in hopes I'll see you again.

I do wish it were under "better" circumstances, but take some comfort in knowing that even though you feel alone, you're not.

Amorous Rocker said...

I keep changing back to see if you've posted again yet. Sad to see you haven't and sadly, I can relate to the black clouds shrouding you. Not in such a personal manner as I don't know what particularly is wrong.

You have my email honey. Feel free to use it if you ever want to say hello or get something off of your chest.

You're missed here in blogland. Get right within yourself though hon. ((hugs))

Shallow Mallow said...

Found your blog on a google search for "black dog".
If it is winter over your end of the world as well, can't recommend sad lights enough. No cure, but certainly takes the edge off for me.

emeralda said...

oh darling, found you stumbling through blogs. depression is a good thing, it shows that your soul is still alive. there is something tormenting it. maybe something missing. maybe there are holes in it, but it is grieving, and it is alive.
i hope you can get back on the road with the help of therapy and medication maybe... listen, since you already been through it you are lucky. you know that you don t want any help but that you must get it.
i hope the light will find you. i hope the wings will find you. it s cold in berlin and sometimes life makes no sense but it s the living road.

much love