Monday, August 4, 2008

For The Love Of It.

This morning, while I joined the other hamsters on the treadmills at my gym, I caught a snippet of a segment from one of the local morning TV programs. While I couldn't hear what was being said, I could see from the captions and information displayed on the screen that they were talking about infidelity, a subject that is close to my heart. One of the statistics that was screened was very interesting to me. It claimed that 80% of women having affairs do so to meet emotional and/or psychological needs, while 80% of men having affairs are only interested in satisfying sexual and/or physical desires. This got me wondering.

Are women looking for an emotional connection with the men they choose to have affairs with? Are they looking for validation that they don't get from their husbands? Is the sex just a way to get a man to love them, or replace the love that they are lacking at home? And what about men? Are we searching for the sex that we miss out on at home? Do we really not want/or need to fall in love with our mistress? Are we so callous that we will just satisfy our sexual desires without meeting the needs of our new partner? And do men who are sexual satisfied at home still have a tendency to roam?

So many questions that I don't have the answers to. I can only speak from my own experiences. When I first embarked on my adulterous affairs it was purely for sexual satisfaction. That side of my relationship with Mrs A. was sadly lacking (read non-existent) and I had physical desires that weren't being met. In other words, I fit firmly into the 80% category that was mentioned. However, I was also led to believe that the women I hooked up with were also looking for sexual satisfaction as opposed to an emotional attachment. Perhaps I read it wrong, but that is how it came across to me and they did nothing to convince me otherwise. Can it really be that I only had affairs with women from the 20% category? If so, then where were the other 80%? Or maybe the figures don't really add up? Perhaps the women surveyed were to afraid to admit that they were only seeking sex and had to justify their actions by claiming it was for more altruistic reasons?

Having said all that, I now find myself at odds with everything that I have written and previously believed. Holly, whom I met at Christmas but no longer keep in touch with, was the first woman that I had an affair with and developed genuine feelings for. It was never going to amount to anything more than a holiday romance because she lived on the other side of the world, yet she still meant more to me than just sex. Since then I have only had 1 brief liaison with a woman and that left me feeling empty and unsatisfied. I thought my wanderlust may have departed for good.

Seems that just when you stop looking, that's when you find what you need. In a complete contradiction, I have recently met a woman who is unlike any that has gone before. I am completely taken by her, and have fallen hook, line and sinker for her charms. She evokes feelings in me that I haven't felt for ages. And she has done all this on a completely intellectual and emotional level. We haven't even kissed or held hands yet! So she provides all the psychological stimulation that I crave and none of the physical desire that I thought that I did (although I would love to have my wicked way with her someday). How did this happen? I have gone from the 80% to the 20% without even realising it.

I am looking to hear from people who have had affairs and can shed some light on which percentage they fall into. Did your reasons for having the affair change after a period of time, and did you find what you were looking for? Email me if you don't want to leave a response in the comments.


Dana said...

I think I'll send this response via email *wink*

Riff Dog said...

Put me in the "sex is enough for me" camp.

I have my wife for the other stuff.

Ms. Inconspicuous said...

I think intent can be very different from reality. I'm in the outlying female camp--I have very little initial interest in being emotionally involved with a guy. Sometimes emotions happen, but I tend to think of it as a fondness instead of a love-type emotion.

Stargirl said...

I have definitely been in both camps. I was in the 80% when I started the relationship I'm in now. But in a previous relationship, I definitely fell into the 20% group. A few times.

Stargirl said...

Ooh, I just found your blog and posted the comment and realized that this post is a few months old! Sorry! I will have to check out the rest of your blog now. :-)